“Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’
Anything beyond this is from the evil one.”

Matthew 5:37 (NLT)

Do you focus so much on being loving and taking care of others that there’s nothing left for you? Can you say “no” and still feel like you’re a good person? Do you sometimes feel like loved ones take advantage of you?

The Bible tells us that to live joyful, productive lives, we must speak plainly, with our “yes” meaning YES, and our “no” meaning NO. As mature adults, we should be able to say these words without fear of damaging our relationships or feeling bad about ourselves. But in everyday life, most of us struggle.

Why is it so difficult to say “yes” and “no”?

“It all comes down to fear and ‘the fall’,” says Lisamarie K., MDiv., CADC, a case manager for the Catholic Charities Supportive Services for Veteran Families. She also serves as a volunteer facilitator for Love in the Name of Christ of Lake County’s (Love INC) New Hope Ministry “Boundaries” class.

“We fear rejection, punishment, or simply being thought less of by others in our lives. We can even fear being thought of as unchristian if we say ‘no’ to a loved one,” Lisamarie explains. “We’ve forgotten or never understood that God’s way of restoring order to a disordered world is to create boundaries. The ten commandments are a great example of God’s boundaries, created to protect us, our relationship with Him, and our relationships with each other.”

What are boundaries?

Merriam-Webster defines a boundary as: “Something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” The Oxford English Dictionary says it this way: “A real or imagined line that marks the limits or edges of something and separates it from other things or places; a dividing line.”

When we set personal boundaries, we’re drawing a line or fixing a limit. We’re communicating where the actions of another will reach or overreach our personal boundary lines. Personal boundaries include both our physical and emotional borders. For example, letting your kids know they’re not allowed to use your cell phone is setting a physical boundary. Voicing likes and dislikes respectfully to your partner are examples of communicating emotional boundaries.

“Boundaries also help us clearly distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t,” Lisamarie adds. “We’re responsible for our own bodies, actions, thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. But holding ourselves accountable for other people’s emotions, actions, etc., is exhausting, frustrating and runs counter to God’s edicts.”

Why are personal boundaries important?

“Without boundaries we take on responsibilities that God never intended for us. We may overcommit our time, and stop taking care of ourselves and our relationships,” says Lisamarie.

With college degrees in pastoral ministry and counseling, Lisamarie first learned about Love INC and its New Hope Ministry classes through her church, Christ Church of Lake Forest. She has been leading the “Boundaries” class for Love INC since 2018 and is passionate about its impact on teaching students how to better love their neighbors and themselves.

“Many of the people I meet in the Boundaries class have been ignored and/or disrespected by those closest to them. That may have been a parent, partner or child,” explains Lisamarie. “Our class empowers students to steward their lives to serve God. That means learning how to manage time, space, and capacity – all of which are limited.”

She cites Jesus as the perfect example of someone who understood and successfully set healthy boundaries. Matthew 14: 22-23 (NIV) states:

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone.

“One of the things I tell my students is that you can’t pour from an empty cup,” says Lisamarie. “Just as Jesus chose to draw back from the crowds to replenish his spirit, we may find ourselves in situations or relationships that we need to withdraw from for the good of our spiritual health.”

The first step for many students is addressing negative beliefs or “myths” they may have about setting personal boundaries.

What are eight common myths about boundaries?

1. Myth: If I set boundaries, I am being selfish.
   Fact: Appropriate boundaries increase our ability to love others joyfully.

2. Myth: If I set boundaries, I will hurt others.
   Fact: Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures (including your time and resources) from being taken at the wrong time.

3. Myth: If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others.
   Fact: Initially, you may experience backlash in the form of hurtful comments or actions, so it’s wise to start slowly. If a situation becomes violent, your first responsibility is to preserve your safety and seek further support. 

4. Myth: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience.
   Fact: If you’re saying yes, but you’d rather say no, you’re being compliant, which is a form of deceit (a sin). 

5. Myth: Boundaries mean that I am angry.
   Fact: Boundaries do not cause anger; anger is a symptom of unhealthy boundaries. It’s a “check engine” light signaling that something needs attention and care.

6. Myth: When others set boundaries, it injures me.
   Fact: Emotional injuries (hurt feelings) stem from three sources: a) Having inappropriate boundaries set on us, especially in childhood, b) Projecting our own injuries onto others, and c) Being part of an overdependent relationship (e.g.: when we feel an emotion that we don’t like, we “give” it to someone else).

7. Myth: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt.
   Fact: You are responsible for your own feelings and how you manage them. Prioritizing your needs over others is healthy and necessary.

8. Myth: Boundaries are permanent, and I’m afraid of burning my bridges.
   Fact: Boundaries are not set in stone. They can be renegotiated when circumstances warrant it.

“People need a balance of work, play, rest and worship to live joyfully,” Lisamarie says. “Boundaries simply help us protect our treasures, which include the gift of our lives and our gift of forming relationships.”

The Love INC Boundaries class provides step-by-step instruction on how to set healthy boundaries using guidelines set forth in the Bible. Based on the best-selling book, Boundaries, written by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, psychologists specializing in relationships and spirituality, the nine-session class includes DVD videos and small-group discussions.

Partner churches host class locations in Zion and Waukegan, with members and small groups from over a dozen local churches serving as facilitators and mentors, providing meals and greeting students as they arrive.

Our New Hope Ministry skills classes are open to the community and typically offered twice a year – in spring and in fall. Join us as a participant or serve in one of the many volunteer opportunities available! Contact Barb at newhope@loveinclakecounty.org to help your church get connected today.